Post 016: Post-Love
& friendship & love
Earlier this month, I went to a packed talk at the Word is Change in Bed Stuy. Dean Spade was in conversation with Morgan Bassichis about his new book Love in a Fucked Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together. I was seated front row, between two dears. Writing this, I’m recalling both of them emphasizing that things are bad bad, and, that in some ways, they will worsen. It seems like an obvious thing, but still a useful one in countering numbness, disbelief, and gaslighting. In the conversation, Dean said something to the effect of liberation is feeling it all. (Chapter One’s epigraph is from Marsha P. Johnson: “I’m not saying it don’t hurt to be awake in this world. But stay awake my darlings.”) It has been, to quote one of Morgan’s projects, an Odd Year. The stakes keep rising, which is why the work of relating and being in relationships is so urgent. We need to be together better because we need to be together.
The talk, unlike most, required masks and featured a UV and air purifier in the space. Leading up to the event, I had been following some online discourse expressing disappointment about some gaps in mitigation that took place during a previous stop. The call-out, admittedly, was activating. Dean ended up addressing some of the concerns in a way that, for me (though not for some), took accountability and named the real challenges of organizing a tour and of the very wide gap between where we are (the majority of spaces being maskless, lacking purification, lacking language to name the realities of gathering and possibilities of mitigation) and where we could (and need to) be.
I asked Dean about this at the end, in part in a gesture of gratitude and recognition as a fellow event organizer. He talked about beginning this book because of isolation, years before the pandemic. He named the challenges of working with such a range of venues and talked about learnings along the way leading to adaptations. One part of his answer continues to stick with me. He said that sometimes compounded rejection can make people rigid, which I found to be such a profound naming of some of the dynamics present in the online call-outs. I am still reflecting on the compounded rejections I and so many of us face and the often-difficult instances where that results in rigidity.
Just recently, Robert Kennedy Jr. was confirmed as Health Secretary. The latest People’s CDC Report does not look good. The dangers of his beliefs and the policies they may result in cannot be underestimated. Mask and demand masked spaces! Support masked and cleaner-air spaces (another shoutout to A.I.R. NYC and their events calendar!) Access is love! Masking is love!
A few days ago was a the so-called holiday of Valentine’s Day. Growing up, I knew it as el día del amor y amistad—the day of love and friendship. (I saw a chalk sign I wish I had a picture of outside of a car repair shop that said “amor y amistad” and below it “today!”) What I love about that coupling (over neoliberal galentine’s etc) is not just that it expands what is celebrated, but, for me, underscores that friendship is love and vice versa. I was glad to spend the weekend connecting both with lovers and friends.
In the book, Dean writes about the “romance myth” which insists that a committed romantic relationship is the most important kind of relationship and fantasizes about a “one true love” that lasts forever. This myth results not only in us undervaluing the full expanse of relationships that can be meaningful, but has us fall back on gestures of scarcity and disposability. Reading, I recognized how solidly I have unlearned relationship hierarchies, while recognizing other patterns or tendencies that remain in-progress. What I appreciate about Dean’s book is that throughout, he is asserting the structural context that seeps into our most intimate relationships, especially in political spaces and as political people. I’m still processing (and finishing) the book and may keep sharing reflections.
For now, I’ll end with a passage from the first chapter:
We are working to recover a broader range of potential responses to the world, beyond programmed reactions. Although I’ve been taught by society to feel shame and self-hatred in the daily indignities of the workplace or family, I can recover my ability to feel rage, greif, and incitement to action instead. Though I am programmed to try to dominate others, I can choose instead to expand my capacity for collaboration and humility. We can move out of autopilot reactions that have become habitual through repetition, and instead respond to situations and people in ways that are more aligned with our real beliefs and purpose. The point of this healing, then, is to increase our capacities to feel and do new things that make our lives more on purpose.
Coming up:
I’m excited to partner with Celebrate 845 for a virtual dance party next Monday, February 27th. Link will be here the day of the party, and donations support their PPE Distribution work—let’s dance! Furiously! These times are hard!
This month’s Long Poem Support Group pick is Dictee by Theresa Hak Kyung Cha. Join us next on the Discord Tuesday to discuss with guest facilitator MC Hyland.
Our third and final Virtual Winter Workshop with is coming up on Thursday, March 6th with the lovely Jimena Lucero. Join us!
With love,
d
